CES for Three Years

…chronic physical pain is a type of suffering. And frankly, no one choses suffering. Yet, suffering has implications to one’s faith.

Kristin Knowles

I have a strong internal drive to achieve. To get things done. The pandemic taught me that not everything has to be done right away, but I still like to get things done. Only it’s been a bit hard the past few years to do the things I’d like to get done.

Three years ago, on June 29, I had emergency back surgery. My outcome is unbelievable, perhaps miraculous in a way that I don’t always appreciate. I was initially misdiagnosed, and it would have been so easy to go to bed one night and wake paralyzed the next morning. But I didn’t, praise God that I didn’t. When I read stories of others who have suffered Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) – I do feel guilty for thinking too much about any lingering difficulty (such as nerve pain) that I experience. I’m ambulatory. I am not in a wheelchair. I can drive and can hold a job. And if my previous blog (yet to be transferred to this site) seems to drone one about my surgery – it’s because I’m still making sense of it all. Most of the time, if I’m focusing on doing something else – at work, writing, journaling, reading, art, watching a movie/TV – I don’t feel much pain. But then when I move onto something else – I feel the pain/stiffness. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I think exercise creates a flare up when I want exercise to get stronger, burn calories, etc.

Is my pain any different from anyone else who has any sort of chronic pain? Chronic pain is a common ailment. I’m not here to somehow prove a point to say I’m all that special (I’m not). Pain is relative. But chronic physical pain is a type of suffering. And frankly, no one choses suffering. Yet, suffering has implications to one’s faith.

And how has my faith been affected? Initially, gratitude was a theme right after the surgery. I knew my outcome was better than others and I was gracious and determined to work through PT and recover as much strength as I could. Any lingering pain – I pushed through, ignored, sought to deny. And I really never gave into many tears. I think I can count on one hand the times I’ve cried real tears over what happened and cried out to God, ‘Why me‘?

Why me? Why this? Isn’t this what we all ask deep down inside when suffering strikes. We may not like to talk in detail about our sufferings in person (I don’t and if asked in face-to-face conversation, I’m more likely than not to minimize any pain I might be feeling on any given day). But when we aren’t willing to be honest with God about our suffering, it’s harder to see how He might be working in our lives. Perhaps worse, if we aren’t willing to be honest with ourselves and God about our suffering, we can slowly start to believe bad theology – subconsciously of course. ‘Why did this happen to me? I guess I was headed in a wrong direction, missing church too much to go swimming in the summer? Maybe I should cut out swimming.’ This line of thinking, which was buried in my subconscious, is nothing short of starting to believe that God let certain measures of suffering into my life to punish me – for swimming of all things. I can certainly think of certain attitudes or other instances which might have warranted punishment from God, buy my enjoyment of swimming and missing an occasional Sunday at church to do something I greatly enjoy doesn’t warrant punishment of God. That’s not true to who God is and it’s not consistent. I don’t see others I know who miss an occasional Sunday to participate in recreational activities being struck down with physical suffering. I don’t see others who never go to church being struck down with physical suffering. Thinking and praying through this the night before my first open water swim in several seasons was part of the mental battle.

Today, three years after that life-altering surgery, it does seem as if God wants to me to learn a bit more about the purpose of suffering. I may never get the answer to ‘why me?‘ and I may need to cry out ‘why me?‘ a few more times. But I do think there is something to be learned about faith through suffering. There’s an idea of suffering well.

Suffering Well Resources

• Rest Ministries – I discovered Rest Ministries looking for devotional type materials for my mom when she was diagnosed with something that would be a chronic nature. That was years ago. Recently, I found their Facebook page to look for encouragement for myself. On a night when I could sleep very well, someone suggested I look into a Bible study by Vaneetha Risner.
• Vaneetha Risner – Her memoir is an incredible read and she is someone who has suffered and thus qualified to speak of suffering. I know you are not supposed to compare, but I don’t feel that my suffering compares with hers. However, within the foreword, Ann Voskamp puts forth a strong theology of suffering:
  • “No one tells you this in Life 101: You’ve got to figure out more than putting one step in front of the other; you’ve got to master the art of walking through fire. Because if you aren’t walking through fire right now, someday you will be…God is not impotent and God is not indifferent. God hates injury, infirmity, and injustice. God came to heal and relieve us of suffering, and He calls us to alleviate and decimate suffering. So if God allows suffering, it must be to allow something He loves even more than He hates suffering. Sometimes God allows what He can hardly stand to accomplish more than we understand.”
• Rick Thomas – I attended the first session of a Bible study on the topic of Joy looking at what Paul wrote to the Philippians (Paul was actually in prison when he wrote the letter to the church in Philippi). The woman sitting next to me made the comment, “Suffering is God’s most fearful blessing.” I wrote it down and she wrote down a book title by Rick Thomas – Suffering Well: How to Steward God’s Most Feared Blessing. I’ve barely started the book, but I can already tell that he too has suffered. He says this book is for mature audiences and an early sentence challenges me:
  • “The more serious you take your faith, the more you will suffer. The Bible could not be more explicit.”

More to Learn

Whatever sufferings I have experienced – I do think there is more to learn on suffering well. And maybe that is a bigger theme God has been trying to teach me for a while now. I remember clearly during my missionary days (years ago now) telling the President of the Babtist Seminary where I was working – that I had a spiritual problem because I couldn’t fully echo the same sentiment of what Paul wrote to the Philippians “That I may know him and the power of his resurrection and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” Philippians 3:10. I didn’t like the phrase expressing desire to ‘Share in his sufferings‘. Perhaps God has been working through all the trials I’ve experienced since then trying to teach me what it means to share in his sufferings, to suffer well. But I still think I have much more to learn. May God help me to learn all that He wants me to learn.